- Published on Tuesday, 12 November 2013 11:24
CLOWNS have always been scary: when something targeted to juveniles has even the slightest eerie aspects, the terrifying effect is exaggerated. Here are 12 toys targeted to kids that are just plain bizarre, or are so terrifying, they could very well traumatize you and your children.
Shave the Baby
Apparently in Japan there’s a common desire to train your children to take razor blades to toddlers and newborns, in an attempt to cleanse them of their hirsute qualities. Your child will be fascinated by the random and extensive patches of hair that cover portions of this doll. Sadly, the hair can’t grow back.
Laugh a Lot Doll
The Laugh a Lot doll is mostly terrifying because of its commercial, directed by someone who must have had a long and prosperous career making horror flicks. The commercial’s fast cuts and maniacal laughter don’t elicit the desired response, instead causing the audience to cringe in terror and confusion.
Don’t all parents dream of having their children ride around in the (mostly) hollowed out skull of a gigantic cyclops? Well, your hopesand prayers have been answered. Your kids are now able to play at being Argonauts, as they chase horrified neighborhood children into a lifetime of psychotherapy.
Be a Doll
Be-A-Doll.com forms your likeness into an action figure. Having a doll that looks exactly like you is all well and good, but before you create one of these mirror images of yourself, be sure to tell your friends a few secrets so they can tell you and your doll apart.
It’s a mystery whether the Face Bank is supposed to be cute or not, but if so, it’s an absolute failure. With dark, pupil-less eyes, and a vacant stare, this piggy bank mimics the motion of chewing coins like a cow chewing cud, and then lets out a lifeless burp that would never cause laughter. There’s something creepy about something so lifeless mimicking such a common action. Imagine how you’d feel if you took a seat on a bench and noticed a brick gnawing at your shoe… that’s how disturbed this bank makes me feel.
The cymbal smashing monkey is as simple and iconic as the eerie ventriloquist dummy, but even worse. The monkey’s expression is so intense and craven that there’s no way its creator could have desired anything but malice to emanate from its red-rimmed eyes. Every time the cymbals crash, you flinch, and can’t help staring at its frozen smile in fear.
The Man of a Thousand Faces, is a master of disguise, but there’s something eerie about his overly large and realistically detailed face that gives most people the heebie jeebies. Playing with this toy would make you immediately wish for the much less realistic Mr. Potato Head. No matter how many stereotypical and semi-racist moustaches and facial modifications you add, Hugo will still sit there, piercing you with his pale blue eyes.
The gigantic moth that battles Godzilla in films throughout the celebrated franchise, has a child whom she calls to battle with a high pitched song. This toy is her child, and it definitely falls into a “what were they thinking?” category. It’s strange that this toy even exists, but it’s even stranger how many variations on the design have been manufactured.
Poop is one of the most juvenile topics of conversation, so it’s natural that someone would try to capitalize on it. Now you can capitalize on it too, literally, with a piggy bank in the shape of a swirling pile of dog feces. If that’s not enough, let your dog tear up a plush chew toy in the shape of its own leavings, and give your toddler the patented “Pee & Poo” toys that are so popular with the youth today.
It’s easy to see the reasoning behind dolls that are handicapped, but it’s still a bit shocking to see a childhood item that usually exemplifies ideals of beauty and turns them into a much more realistic depiction of the tragedy that befalls too many children.
Barbie has always been a role model for young girls, as the ambitious career woman who becomes anything from a Doctor to a Veterinarian, and now, a mother. I’m highly doubtful that this toy helps clear up a child’s confusion about childbirth, so please, purchase with caution.
To end the list of these bizarre and terrifying toys, here’s a game of Russian Roulette available in Japan. Place the gun against your head and hope there isn’t a round in the chamber, or hippo legs will spring out and smack you in the face (really, they do). There are so many reasons why this is a horrible idea, but if you decide to buy this for your children, just be sure you have a gun safe in case they decide to try the real thing.